September 15, 2024
Pleasing the Masses
September 8, 2024
Choose Your Hard
September 1, 2024
Performance Standards
August 25, 2024
The Comparison Game
August 18, 2024
Goals and Identity
In a world of fad diets, get rich quick schemes, and miracle workout regimens, it is easy to become infatuated with a way of life where the ends justify the means. That means that we become so intensely focused on the outcome that we almost lose any kind of sense regarding how we got there. The downside to a results-focused approach to life change is that it is largely unsustainable. Diet plans, food trackers, restrictive regimens, intense physical workouts, and even more intellectual goals like reading plans or study habits are all good for accomplishing tasks but poor at establishing habitual change. So, let’s focus on identity rather than results. Instead of saying “I want to read 2 books a month this year”, let’s say, “I am a person who reads.” What does that look like on others? Once we define that, we can implement practices in our own lives. A person who reads always has a book handy. They probably have two or three. One on the nightstand, one in the living room, and another that always goes with me. Then I practice reading in place of other activities I use to pass idle time. Instead of focusing on diet or increasing physical activity, we can ask ourselves what it looks like to be a person who stewards their body well. We have examples of that. A person who stewards their body well places sleep at a high priority. They understand the value of nutrition, moderation, and consistent physical activity. People who steward their bodies place themselves in a position to consistently succeed and intentionally plan to make wise choices. You can take these perspectives and apply them to any aspect of your life. I am a man who prays. I am a man who encourages. I am ... you fill in the blank then organize your life around that picture to bring it to life in a sustainable way.
August 11, 2024
Lost Connection
We have talked a lot lately in these articles about connection. That’s because connection is vital to our health and well-being, but it is something we have largely carved out of our lives and our relationships. Addictions are at historically high levels. marriages are under historically high pressures. Students are under the influence of historically high stressors. Parents are experiencing historically complex calendars. And our connected relationships are at historically low levels. Certainly, phones and televisions play a key role in that disconnection. But they are definitely not the lone culprit. Careers, hobbies, children’s activities, and a host of other things have demanded time and attention that, if left unchecked, can leave our spouses or children starving for connection. Presence is important, but distracted presence is worse than physical absence especially for young children. And when that connection is missing, people act out. Acting out could be bad behavior, it could be annoying behavior, and it can be hyper-performative behavior. Unfortunately, acting out often results in the opposite of the desired response, and then connection is sought in alternative communities or behaviors and substances that at least momentarily numb the emotional turmoil. So, the next time someone in your life is acting out, take a moment to ask yourself where you can create greater connection points. Remove distractions and talk. Hug one another regularly. Be present and engaged. Remove distractions and have real meaningful conversations. Hold hands and touch your children on the face. There is something that happens with skin on skin touch that anchors us as humans in safe and secure relationships. Let’s start connecting on deeper levels.
August 4, 2024
It’s Up To You
Victim mentality and a resistance to take ownership regarding less than desirable results in our life is not new in this generation of our culture, but it does seem to be much more prevalent. At times it seems as though we find our purpose and our value to society in our ability to be offended. The plight of the victim is not only glorified and praised, but that position in our culture instills a pursuit of victimization. The major flaw in this ecosystem is that victim livelihood is unhealthy, unsustainable, and leads to major identity or codependency issues. So here is a challenge that will lead to a healthier, more content, and more fulfilled you. Let’s stop saying “You hurt my feelings” or “He/she made me feel guilty for ...”. Hurt feelings, offense, guilt, and other reactions are choices you make. You get to choose who hurts your feelings and who can actual cause you offense. We have often given too many people access to the dep parts of our spirit from where these things come. People can say ugly things. People can criticize and even cause you hardship. But only people who have been given access to my identity and value can actually cause me to choose to be hurt or offended by their comments. It’s up to you. No one gets automatic access just because of their position in life. It’s up to you. And I think that circle should be small. My circle has 4, maybe 5 people in it and sometimes that seems crowded. Certainly I listen to criticism and comments from all who offer. There is a lot of value found in many places. But I choose a path that resists hurt feelings and offensive feelings. You are the only one that has the power and authority to open the gates to those aspects of your identity. It’s up to you. Choose your circle carefully, and remind yourself often of what you can control.
July 28, 2024
Did you hear me?
The answer is almost always, “No, they didn’t hear you.” Your kids don’t always hear or listen to what you say, but they definitely watch what you do. Intuitively, we know the correlation between words and actions. However, I think we too easily dismiss the influence that our actions have in teaching our children. From toddlers to teenagers, our kids learn from modeled behavior. Every parent and church leader asks the question, “How do we keep our kids on the right path?” The answer is the same in both instances. In churches, we have seen movements to make church feel more relevant and exciting. Light shows, rock bands, smoke machines, and even some twisted teaching has been employed in an attempt to stay relevant to a younger generation of Christian people. In the home, we have softened discipline, shielded consequences, blurred the lines between friends and parental relationships, and created chaotic schedules to try to make kids “like us”. Then we model behavior inconsistent with the claims we made. When we proclaim the importance of Christian living and the church, then Christian living and church activities can’t be the first things that get sacrificed in conflict. If we expect our kids to treat people with love and grace, we have to model that love and grace. We model it in our marriages, in our work relationships, with our friends, with the people we deal with in stores restaurants and schools, with coaches and teachers, and even on the road behind the wheel. It is important to have conversations. It is important to talk about difficult topics and relevant cultural issues. It is important to discuss morals, values, and expectations. But the next time your kids act like they haven’t heard you, ask yourself how you can model your expectations better.
July 21, 2024
Guilt, Shame, and Identity
How do you process the consequences of bad choices? A series of good choices that is interrupted by a bad choice is frequently met with a response of guilt and shame. Guilt and shame then drive us deeper into an unhealthy pattern of life that is governed by how well we keep the rules. That is the struggle that many, especially those raised in strict church environments, find themselves in. Our identity has been wrapped up in how good we have been which is defined by how little we messed up. The consequence of that mindset is a life that moves away from grace and mercy and has a hard time finding identity outside of behavior. Here is the truth. Your identity is not found in your failures or your successes. Neither your trophies nor your sins make you who you are. Your identity is found in Christ alone. That means we have to change the way we own and use guilt and shame. Guilt and shame should not be used to motivate ourselves or others. It works in the short-term but the long-term damage is extensive. Acknowledge the consequences of bad decisions. Then own the guilt without assigning identity. That means when we make things right and apologize if necessary, we address the action. “I am sorry I did that.” The temptation is to imply “I am a bad person because I did that.” I appreciate the move that has been made in mental health fields lately. It is something we should employ in other areas as well. We don’t say he/she is autistic, or anorexic, or bipolar, or even depressed. We say he/she is struggling with autism, or anorexia, or bipolar, or depression. it is a small semantic change that completely alters our perspective on identity. What we do is not who we are. But who we are in Christ should shape what we do, particularly when it comes to grace, mercy, and forgiveness.
July 14, 2024
Spenders and Savers
Are you and your spouse on opposite ends of the spending spectrum? Do you consistently feel like you’re not on the same page month after month? If so, you’re not alone—many couples wrestle with this challenge. When one of you identifies as the ‘spender,’ and the other proudly wears the ‘saver’ badge, navigating the saver/spender dynamic in marriage may initially feel like a delicate financial balancing act. But fret not. Here are a few tips for finding financial harmony in your marriage: Kickstart the journey towards financial accountability by developing a realistic budget. This doesn’t mean your spouse is scrutinizing every transaction; rather, it’s about keeping both of you on the same page. Allocate specific amounts for necessary expenses and, importantly, set aside a dedicated portion for discretionary spending. This approach allows the spender in your relationship to enjoy purchases they desire while maintaining financial boundaries. Define short-term and long-term objectives. These tangible goals provide purpose and act as a guide for thoughtful spending decisions. Regularly discuss your financial goals with your spouse to create a supportive environment and reinforce informed spending decisions. Strike a balance between fun and financial responsibility by incorporating a designated ‘fun’ line item into their budget. Allocating a reasonable amount for entertainment, dining out, or leisure activities with your spouse allows guilt-free enjoyment within predetermined limits that won’t compromise your financial goals. Navigating marriage’s saver/spender dynamic requires understanding, compromise, and open communication. By adopting strategies inspired by spenders and savers, you can create financial harmony in your marriage.
July 7, 2024
Connection and Discipline
Last week we talked about growing to a place where connection is our standard response when faced with difficult situations. Finding connection when it comes to disciplinary action can be a bigger challenge. Here is a practical example I have grown to love and appreciate. have a family meeting and have a discussion about who you will choose to be as members of the family. Set a series of rules or values that everyone in the family agrees to live by. 10 is a good number. Once you have all decided on and agree to those rules and values, put them on a canvas, carve or burn them into wood, or do something creative with them so you can hang them up for all to see. That gives you a point of reference to go back to when one of your children makes a decision that requires some form of discipline. For instance, if one of your family values is, “We are people of integrity who honor our responsibilities”, that means that before we go get ice cream, our chores need to be done and homework completed. If those things aren’t completed when it is time to go to the ice cream shop, there are now two options to respond. “Well, you didn’t finish your homework. You chose to play instead. Now you don’t get ice cream.” In this instance, we are using connection as a bartering chip and using a loss of connected relationship as a form of punishment. The second option is, “I am really sorry you chose to not follow one of our family values. We aren’t getting ice cream tonight, but we can try again tomorrow as long as we follow through on our responsibilities.” It is a subtle difference, but a powerful one that doesn’t eliminate the consequence of poor choices. The first uses connection to manipulate behavior. The other places connection in a position of constant pursuit.
June 30, 2024
Default to Connection
How do you respond when someone in your life brings you information or reveals something that is difficult to hear? It is our instinct to resort to preservation mode, pursue solutions to some of the problems we perceive with the info that has been shared, and we begin to construct moral and behavioral boundaries for what must come next. Often, the one thing that is needed most is inadvertently the very thing we abandon - connection. Sometimes those revelations are simple. Other times they may come with greater consequences. And even still, there are times when the people in our lives reveal some critical identity-shifting pieces of information. When you find yourself in one of these conversations, move toward connection. That means your desire to respond with your own thoughts and opinions about what should come next should be placed on the back burner. That doesn’t mean it goes completely away. It simply means now is the time for something else. There will be a time when we set boundaries, determine moral anchors, and set expectations regarding the relationship and behaviors moving forward. Pursuing connection means that we stop the initial emotional response to difficult information and we lean in to ask more questions. “Tell me more.” “What about that makes you feel happy and secure?” “What about that makes you nervous or anxious?” These are a few of many questions you may ask to begin to pursue deeper connection. A lack of connection leads to all sorts of relational issues. As individuals, we will seek out connection in all sorts of substances and behaviors. A lack of connection is at the root of almost all addictive behavior. So, let’s work to make connection our default setting and solution-seeking will come around in due time.
June 23, 2024
Sabbath Rest
What do you get when you cross a tired church camp mind, a deadline for a bulletin article, and voice-to-text technology? You get an article with so many typos it’s almost unreadable. If you read last week’s article, you know what I am talking about. If not, we’ll just move ahead. The work-life balance is one of those great white whales we are in constant pursuit of. It always seems to be in view but yet always just out of reach. Possibly, it’s not the pursuit we were created for. Ideally, in the mountain top of Eden, we were created to dwell in a Sabbath rest found in the presence of God. Work that your life is dependent on is a curse. We were never intended to find purpose, value, identity, or fulfillment in work. Work is a necessary part of life in a fallen world. The purpose of work is to create a space for sabbath, for rest. But rest is so hard to come by. We have trained ourselves to value productivity over stillness. We wear our busyness as a badge of honor or evidence of importance in our society. We don’t even talk about sabbath much in our Bible studies. We often view it as an obsolete Old Testament construct. However, the whole existence of the people of God revolves around sabbath rest. Sabbath reminds us of the created order. Sabbath reminds us of where our purpose and peace come from. Sabbath points us toward the ultimate rest from work in the age to come. The adversary will try to convince you that rest is for the weak, the lazy, the under-achieving, and more. As a result, we find guilt, shame, loneliness, and deafening silence when we sit in sabbath. I encourage you to sit through the discomfort and find peace, solace, and fulfillment as you rest with your spouse and your family in the presence and provision of God.
June 16, 2024
Passion [edited]
The pursuit of passion can often feel like a hunt for Sasquatch. We see evidence all around that something exists that is worthy of our efforts, but often the result of our search is disappointment. The greatest obstacle to the pursuit of passionate relationships is a life void of that same passion we search for in other places. The key to a passionate marriage - the key to passionate families - is a life that is lived passionately. We have the ability to pursue career achievements, goals, and successes with high energy and high purpose. However, when it comes to our families and our marriages, we find it more challenging to bring the same energy and same purpose to the table. Obviously, we’re aware of the emotional currency that comes to the table when we talk about religion, faith, and Christianity. We definitely bring a lot of emotional currency to politics in matters of culture and society. Maybe we’ve just devalued the importance of emotional currency in non-romantic relationships. For instance, we recognize the importance of passion in marriage and romantic relationships, but we often don’t think about passion in relationships with our children and even our friends. In a culture that appears to crave division cloaked in pursuit of unity, we have grown accustomed to building relationships that appear to be close-knit on the outside, but look very different when inspected on a deeper level. We have exchanged the pursuit of passionate living for the appeasement of screens and temporary comfort. We have settled for solace found in social media communities in lieu of profound personal relationships. And we have opted for surface-level friendships over emotionally connected friendships. Be vulnerable. Love deeply. Risk injury. Live passionately.
June 9, 2024
Myth Busters Ep. 3
June 2, 2024
Sacrifice or Abundance
I have come across this language of sacrifice and abundance frequently in my reading and listening lately. Admittedly, I have spent much time and energy focusing on the language of sacrifice. And to some degree, that is appropriate when it comes to the walk of Christianity. We are, after all, called to model our life after the love of Christ which is perfectly exhibited on the cross of Calvary. However, when you look at the story of God and his people, the prevailing message is found in the abundance of God. I think we spend an inordinate amount of time dwelling on what we “lose” as opposed to the abundant promise of God. In John 10:10, Jesus said the he came so that his followers may have the full and abundant life, not a life of scarcity and insufficiency. There is a sacrifice to be made, but what we are asked to sacrifice are things that have no value, no purpose, and offer no progress toward our true calling. In reality, it is no sacrifice at all in comparison to he surpassing greatness of knowing Christ our Lord. The abundance of Eden paled when the forbiddenness of a single tree was confronted without context. The abundance of the Promised land was exchanged for a mirage of prosperity in being “like the nations”. I think our perspective of sacrifice comes from the challenge of being generous with the abundance of God. Our resources are finite, but the abundance of God is not a zero sum game. There is enough to go around, for everyone to be full, and also to collect leftovers. That’s the message of God for his people. If you live within His will and purpose, you dwell richly in the abundance of the Creator. The things we sacrifice seem large and impactful in the moment. When they are viewed through the lens of God’s will, we realize that we are exchanging coal for diamonds.
May 26, 2024
Grace is Greater
Unwholesome talk, foul language, and coarse joking... Paul tells us to completely avoid such things. Typically, we probably think about 4 letter words, things that might be beeped out on the telly merit a little red “E” on an album or earn an “R” rating on a movie. Of course, we all know what coarse joking means, at least on a surface level. However, I think there is something far deeper that Paul, through the heart of Jesus, is calling us to. Holy speech is an expression of a life of grace and mercy. Instinctively, we are drawn to negativity. We are quick to point out typos and grammatical errors. We pounce on bad grades, performance errors, and poor choices regarding phrasing. Absolutely, there are those points in time when we must stand up for ourselves, hold boundaries in place, and call out inappropriate behavior. My challenge on a daily basis is to live with the benefit of the doubt as the immediate response when we are dealing with people in our spheres of relationships. I challenge you to seek out opportunities to praise what is going well. I challenge you to see the value of the relationship more prominently than the hyper-critical approach of communication that highlights the smallest of errors. Let’s not miss something here. I need editors. I need people to let me know when I have worded something wrongly or miscommunicated, or hurt someone’s feelings. The challenge is to do all things with the pursuit of edification and constructive communication. When we have gone out of our way to call attention to all of the things that are going right, our voice of correction is heard with a completely different spirit. Hopefully, it is the spirit that is intended. The path of giving grace is not always the easiest path, but it is always the greater path to take with a greater reward.